A few weeks ago I had the strangest feeling that I was missing something. Something I should remember, but couldn't. Tonight I realized what it is and why I didn't. Two days shy of three weeks ago was my first date and also the anniversary of my great-grandmother Pauline's death. I'm already tearing up, okay. In for a penny, in for a pound. I hate saying that I was distracted, but in the best way. I know that that's what she would've wanted. She couldn't have stood for any of us being sad. Not when there's so much in the world to love and be happy about. Not when we already have so many wonderful memories from a life with her. September 7th, I was on a date and I think I've met someone that I can see some kind of future with. I future that I wish grandma Pauline could be there for, even though I know she is in some way.
I wasn't religious in any sense of the word until she died. It was then that I reasoned that there had to be something. Some governing force in this life because surely she ended up someplace wonderful. Some place that she deserved. Some place free from the hardships of life. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and while I miss her every day I know that the fact that she isn't here anymore gives her life all the more meaning. That's why mortality exists. What would anything that we do mean if we just kept on living? I remember in my Mythology class over the summer that the gods were said to be extremely jealous of humans because our mortality gives our lives meaning, while they waste away, hundreds of years passing in the blink of an eye. This means that it had to happen, which I can accept. It doesn't always ease the pain, but I'm thankful that I have someone that I can feel so much for even though I only knew her for such a short period of time.
I'm afraid to go back to Telephone. I want to so badly, but it scares me. I haven't been there in so long and I remember the absence, the void permeating everything. The physical location was all there, but its heart was gone. Things have changed even more now, but I want to be there anyways. To recapture something from all those years ago. Look at me, I'm talking like I'm a hundred years old.
One thing I've always known is that whoever I end up spending my life with has to know about this woman that impacted so much of my life. They need to see where I spent my summers picking blackberries and chasing cats and walking between great grandmothers. They need to see where I ran through and jumped from monstrous rows of hay bales with one of the largest dogs I've ever seen. Where my cousins, siblings and I spent countless hours swinging in a dangerously old tire swing hanging from a frayed rope and ate from a wall of jarred pickles between the bathroom and the kitchen. The old deep freezer where the pinnacle of youth, the Fudgesicle lay. The tattered Go-Fish cards and room where we played Spoons so viciously it's surprising we're all still here. That doll in the highchair in the dining room that always scared the crap out of me in the night. The adventures with Joe in the Gator and drinking Dr. Pepper and eating tuna-salad sandwiches while watching Alien and Zorro. The worn and ancient-seeming Big Bee Cemetery. The rickety, paint-chipped swing on the patio at grandmother Mary's house and oh goodness the ticks. They scared me to no end and almost every animal was covered in them. The numerous cats we adoringly named, among them Dipstick with the differently colored eyes and Old Sarge the orange and eventually three legged cat. I can still hear grandma Pauline calling "Kit-kit-kitties!" when feeding time came around and the large silver trash can in which she kept the food. She always had the food scraps on top of the washer and drier to mix in with the cat food. And how she would always ward off any form of attitude with "Now don't be fresh." That broken, old piano we would smash on as children with the glittering white castle and the heavy, black metal iron. Grandma Pauline's jewelry box with so many trinkets that I could fill an afternoon just asking where they came from. Gosh, I remember one Christmas I got it into my head that I would get grandmother Pauline and grandmother Mary christmas presents and I just found things of mine and loaded up two boxes for them. I gave Grandma Pauline this Beanie Baby named Seaweed who was an otter. She kept that thing above her bed for as long as I can remember until she went to the hospital. She kept that dumb stuffed animal just because I gave it to her. That's the woman that they need to know about. The childhood they need to see. The one that holds such a big place in my heart.
It's been four years, but it still feels like yesterday. I still can't think about Grandma Pauline without getting tears in my eyes. I don't think that things like that ever get any easier with the passing of time. There will always be that vacancy in the world and the memories that were left to balance it. I need to go back and be overwhelmed, to live everything again and remind myself even more. I need to take all of those feelings and memories and that strength they grant along with me wherever I go. It is those that we love and who love us that give our lives meaning. The people whose hearts we touch and ours that are touched in return. Grandma Pauline, I love you and I miss you. I miss you so much that it hurts and I always will. I always will.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Settled In (Finally)
Sorry, I know it's been almost a month without any sort of update. Things have been so busy around UT lately. I'm actively involved in two organizations that meet weekly and with homework and classes I constantly find that I just don't have enough hours in the day. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I have class from 1:00-3:00 p.m. (Monday is an exception and goes until 4:00 p.m.) and on Tuesdays and Thursdays I have class from 11:00-3:30 p.m..
MWF I have Intro to Psych followed by Beginners French. On Mondays I have an additional seminar from 3:00-4:00 p.m. for my UGS (Undergraduate Studies Course). TTH I have my UGS class (Thinking about Thinking in Disciplines), Intro to Astronomy and Beginners French. Tuesdays at 7:00 p.m. I'm part of a protest/awareness organization called StandOut and Thursdays at 7:00 p.m. I'm part of a gaming organization. In between all of those I have to find time to eat, sleep, breathe, socialize and do homework. Not necessarily in that order of priority.
My most difficult class is probably French simply because it meets every single day and there is homework every single night. The vocabulary is immense and the rules are ridiculously convoluted. I enjoy it, but it definitely wears on me. Intro to Psych is mostly a lecture course with our very first test (and grade) in the class at the end of this week. Astronomy and my UGS class are fairly similar.
My roommate and I get along great and I consider myself so lucky because this is the second random roommate that I've had in a row that I've gotten along extremely well with. I still see my roommate from the summer Ja'Michael around campus from time to time.
My favorite part about college so far has to be all of the people that I've met. In only three weeks I've already found a community of amazing people and enjoy spending time with all of them. From the very first day I've felt welcomed and it's been fantastic. As usual I tend to gravitate towards older people and befriend them. I don't know why this always happens but it does. Not that I'm complaining. :)
As a matter of fact almost two weeks ago I was asked out on a date by someone and we've been dating since. Things are going great and I'm keeping my fingers crossed. It's way too soon to yell anything to the mountaintops if you know what I mean.
I just got back from visiting home for a weekend and seeing a few friends and my family. I miss Krum a lot, but in the same vein I absolutely love Austin and it's quickly becoming my home away from home. I will say that I definitely do not enjoy bus rides that are four hours long to Dallas and back to Austin. One of my friends made me a very random care package that made me laugh a lot and also contained some good things to decorate my room with (I'll post pictures at some point).
I will say that learning to manage time is coming along at its own decent pace. Independence certainly has its drawbacks, but its worth it. Well, as independent as an 18 year old who is entirely financially dependent on his parents can be. Just being able to go wherever and whenever (responsibly of course) is incredibly liberating.
Unfortunately now it is mini-rant time. I don't understand the population of a dorm can be 18 and up and leave a bathroom so ridiculously messy and just generally gross. Then when the R.A.'s put up signs asking for people to respect everyone else and keep it clean, they go out of their way to rebel. In the end all I can think about is the poor woman whose job it is to clean and maintain the bathroom and how they are only making her life difficult. It's terribly disrespectful and I cannot fathom it. I plan to make cookies or a card or something for Angela (that's her name) at some point just to show that she is appreciated.
Now random things. The tower is unbelievably gorgeous at night after a winning football game when it is lit the most stunning shade of orange. It's like a burning torch against the night sky. You can also always see bats fluttering around the top of the tower.
I consider that I get my due cardio every day when I have to walk from one end of the campus to another just to get to my classes every day. Mondays are the worst because I have to walk from my dorm to a building across the campus, then back to my dorm for another class, then all the way back to the first building. CAMPUS IS SO HILLY. If there is more than 20 feet of continuous flat ground at any time I would be genuinely surprised. Almost every part of the ground is at a minimum of a 45 degree angle. My calves are killer.
On the muscle note, I have been working out for the past three weeks with a friends and I feel ridiculously healthy. I'm getting slightly more muscular (most of it is probably just wishing that results were that immediate) and I have more energy (when I get sleep) and I feel good actually sticking to something and being responsible and accountable for my own physical health.
I told myself that I wanted to live in the most populated dorm for the rawest college experience and even though it's only been four-five weeks I can officially say that I am getting an apartment next year. I can't handle all of this for more than a year. The people next door to us blared their music for the first two weeks and the bathroom is generally alright on average but at times... I just want to walk out and beg to use someone else's. I also want a dog, but that's on the extra side of the "Pro-Apartment" list. I also really miss and NEED my car. Austin is very public transit friendly, but I unfortunately am not. Plus it would make seeing Johnathan and Christina immensely easier on them. But yeah, future plans. Did I mention that I CANNOT WAIT FOR CHRISTMAS (or Thanksgiving for that matter)?!?!? My favorite season by far. I can't stand the heat and I love jackets and apple cider and Christmas music never goes out of style. I've also missed precipitation so much that if I were alone in my room at night, I would always fall asleep to this- http://www.rainymood.com/
it is utter wonderfulness. I never knew how much I'd miss rain until there wasn't any. Just the sound of it is so soothing.
Well, tomorrow (technically today) is a Monday, so I should probably sleep and prepare myself. I'll try to make sure to update much more often! Goodnight!
MWF I have Intro to Psych followed by Beginners French. On Mondays I have an additional seminar from 3:00-4:00 p.m. for my UGS (Undergraduate Studies Course). TTH I have my UGS class (Thinking about Thinking in Disciplines), Intro to Astronomy and Beginners French. Tuesdays at 7:00 p.m. I'm part of a protest/awareness organization called StandOut and Thursdays at 7:00 p.m. I'm part of a gaming organization. In between all of those I have to find time to eat, sleep, breathe, socialize and do homework. Not necessarily in that order of priority.
My most difficult class is probably French simply because it meets every single day and there is homework every single night. The vocabulary is immense and the rules are ridiculously convoluted. I enjoy it, but it definitely wears on me. Intro to Psych is mostly a lecture course with our very first test (and grade) in the class at the end of this week. Astronomy and my UGS class are fairly similar.
My roommate and I get along great and I consider myself so lucky because this is the second random roommate that I've had in a row that I've gotten along extremely well with. I still see my roommate from the summer Ja'Michael around campus from time to time.
My favorite part about college so far has to be all of the people that I've met. In only three weeks I've already found a community of amazing people and enjoy spending time with all of them. From the very first day I've felt welcomed and it's been fantastic. As usual I tend to gravitate towards older people and befriend them. I don't know why this always happens but it does. Not that I'm complaining. :)
As a matter of fact almost two weeks ago I was asked out on a date by someone and we've been dating since. Things are going great and I'm keeping my fingers crossed. It's way too soon to yell anything to the mountaintops if you know what I mean.
I just got back from visiting home for a weekend and seeing a few friends and my family. I miss Krum a lot, but in the same vein I absolutely love Austin and it's quickly becoming my home away from home. I will say that I definitely do not enjoy bus rides that are four hours long to Dallas and back to Austin. One of my friends made me a very random care package that made me laugh a lot and also contained some good things to decorate my room with (I'll post pictures at some point).
I will say that learning to manage time is coming along at its own decent pace. Independence certainly has its drawbacks, but its worth it. Well, as independent as an 18 year old who is entirely financially dependent on his parents can be. Just being able to go wherever and whenever (responsibly of course) is incredibly liberating.
Unfortunately now it is mini-rant time. I don't understand the population of a dorm can be 18 and up and leave a bathroom so ridiculously messy and just generally gross. Then when the R.A.'s put up signs asking for people to respect everyone else and keep it clean, they go out of their way to rebel. In the end all I can think about is the poor woman whose job it is to clean and maintain the bathroom and how they are only making her life difficult. It's terribly disrespectful and I cannot fathom it. I plan to make cookies or a card or something for Angela (that's her name) at some point just to show that she is appreciated.
Now random things. The tower is unbelievably gorgeous at night after a winning football game when it is lit the most stunning shade of orange. It's like a burning torch against the night sky. You can also always see bats fluttering around the top of the tower.
I consider that I get my due cardio every day when I have to walk from one end of the campus to another just to get to my classes every day. Mondays are the worst because I have to walk from my dorm to a building across the campus, then back to my dorm for another class, then all the way back to the first building. CAMPUS IS SO HILLY. If there is more than 20 feet of continuous flat ground at any time I would be genuinely surprised. Almost every part of the ground is at a minimum of a 45 degree angle. My calves are killer.
On the muscle note, I have been working out for the past three weeks with a friends and I feel ridiculously healthy. I'm getting slightly more muscular (most of it is probably just wishing that results were that immediate) and I have more energy (when I get sleep) and I feel good actually sticking to something and being responsible and accountable for my own physical health.
I told myself that I wanted to live in the most populated dorm for the rawest college experience and even though it's only been four-five weeks I can officially say that I am getting an apartment next year. I can't handle all of this for more than a year. The people next door to us blared their music for the first two weeks and the bathroom is generally alright on average but at times... I just want to walk out and beg to use someone else's. I also want a dog, but that's on the extra side of the "Pro-Apartment" list. I also really miss and NEED my car. Austin is very public transit friendly, but I unfortunately am not. Plus it would make seeing Johnathan and Christina immensely easier on them. But yeah, future plans. Did I mention that I CANNOT WAIT FOR CHRISTMAS (or Thanksgiving for that matter)?!?!? My favorite season by far. I can't stand the heat and I love jackets and apple cider and Christmas music never goes out of style. I've also missed precipitation so much that if I were alone in my room at night, I would always fall asleep to this- http://www.rainymood.com/
it is utter wonderfulness. I never knew how much I'd miss rain until there wasn't any. Just the sound of it is so soothing.
Well, tomorrow (technically today) is a Monday, so I should probably sleep and prepare myself. I'll try to make sure to update much more often! Goodnight!
Mom said I should add the picture I took of Atlanta and I so here ya go!
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| Yes, we are both in a hammock. :) |
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